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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Love and the Unlovable

Hi. I opened my browser today and one eye-catching picture greeted me. It is a picture of the ugliest dog I've ever seen and he just died recently. I quoted this article from Yahoo! about this amazing creature




SANTA BARBARA, Calif. - Sam, the tiny dog whose hairless body and crooked teeth earned him a reputation as the World's Ugliest Dog, has died.

The pooch died Friday, just short of his 15th birthday, his owner said.

"I don't think there'll ever be another Sam," Susie Lockheed said, adding: "Some people would think that's a good thing."

Sam won the ugliest dog contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair this summer for the third year in a row. The pedigreed Chinese crested had made appearances on TV in Japan, radio in New Zealand and in Britain's Daily Mirror tabloid. He also had met Donald Trump on a talk show set.

Lockheed said she initially was terrified of Sam when she agreed to take him in as a rescue dog six years ago on a 48-hour trial basis. Although she fell in love with him, his appearance repulsed her then-boyfriend and prompted the man to break up with her.

Later, however, Sam became a matchmaker by bringing together Lockheed and her current beau, who saw a picture of the two on an online dating site.

Lockheed said she had Sam euthanized after she learned Sam's heart was failing.

She said she's felt a little lost ever since, and is sleeping with Sam's favorite toy — a stuffed bear he picked up and carried home.


God loves all creatures even the most unlovable ones

Anyway back to the mainstream, today, I have decided to write an article about LOVE.

Hmmm…

I guess I got you curious now and your mind anticipates what this young man who has never been in a relationship can tell about love. Truthfully, first of all I admit I am not an expert in dealing such a broad topic of love. Everyday I am bombarded with scenes and have been fed with aural and visual information from the media and from the young couples I see on what love or at least and idea of what love is.

They are in love. They have fallen in love. You see them lurk in the corners: hugging, smooching, reciprocating gestures of affection, pledging eternal promises of bliss like there’s no tomorrow – ah this thing called "falling in love", yeah I know is the happiest feeling I know as far as I can remember. But sadly this thing called "falling in love" is but an illusion of what we think of what really love is. After a while or after a period of time it fades and once more we fret and wonder if what has happened has really happened. and we doubt if we really loved the person or just made a very stupid mistake of having fallen in love with the person in the first place.

Friends tell you, "You are not in love. You are just infatuated!".

Whatever, so many terms confuse us nowadays. By the way, I would like to share what M. Scott Peck from his book The Road Less Travel has to say about the problems of "Falling In Love".

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love. When a person falls in love what he or she certainly feels is "I love him" or "I love her". But two problems are immediately apparent. The first is that the experience of falling in love is specifically a sex-linked erotic experience. We do not fall in love with our children even we may love them very deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends of the same sex – unless we are homosexually oriented – even though we may care for them greatly. We fall in love only when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated. The second problem is that the experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends .The bloom of the romance fades away.


I can see brows raised but admit it or not it’s true!

Therefore the experience of falling in love in not love after all! You ask, "If it’s not love, then what is it"

Dr. Peck further explains that falling in love is an experience of collapse or breaking of ego boundaries.

"Ego Boundaries!?" you say, "It’s some kind of a shrinky word!"

As Scott Peck continues, ego boundaries are the limits of what our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual entities are capable of doing, handling and understanding. The history of ego boundaries is formed as we grow from infancy to adulthood. As infants we feel we are the center of the universe and all things including our parents do not make any distwill do anything on our bidding – of course because we are needy. We need milk, we need care, we need comfortable clothes and with just one loud cry, we send our parents into action to attend to us. But as the infant becomes a toddler, the individual senses that all things does not bow to him. He discovers his body parts and he realizes that he can’t grab a ball by just crying. He has to move and get it. He also realizes that mom doesn’t always obey what he wishes. Mom will say, "No Juan, you can’t do that!" or "Help yourself get it!" . As the child grows, he realizes that he/she can get all things every time he wishes. Sometimes he indulges himself/herself into fantasies of being someone great or some kind of superhero! As the child gets into adolescence the loneliness of being contained inside this ego boundaries are kind of eroticized… and we seek a certain creature or an individual to sooth that loneliness. And at the instant we find this person… Time stops, and we hear ethereal bells tolling our names to eternal happiness. This is the "Close Up" moment (It makes me feel cheesy watching those toothpaste models in TV), and songs with themes like "Ikaw ang Lahat sa Akin" (You Are All To Me) or "I've Finally Found Someone" suddenly become our favorites songs and we don't miss an episode of the soap opera starring John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo. "Bcuz of You" and "Got to Believe in Magic"FYI become front liners in your VCD/DVD collection... I know you’d agree!

FYI:
Close-Up - popular toothpaste brand.
Ikaw and lahat sa akin - a Filipino love song popularized by Martin Nievera.
I've Finally Found Someone - duet by Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams.
John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo - Filipino soap actor/actress.
Got to Believe in Magic and Bcuz of You - Filipino teeny-bopper love films.


Falling in love is a magical experience according to a Barry Manilow song and it’s true! It is in these moments that problems seem to go away. Everyday is a sunny day! "I can do anything because I feel so inspired having this person and I’m so enmeshed in bliss having this person around!" This is what Dr Peck refers to as "the collapse of ego boundaries". We feel we care deeply for that person and blurt at the spur of the moment a promise to remain loving forever and ever. But just like any magic – it is but an illusion and it will go away – soon.
As time goes on… the magical feelings start to fade away. The original and individualistic ego boundary reverts back to it’s original shape and we go back to things that are already familiar – our personal private space, our hobbies, our interests, our old friends, our families, etc. Having the other always demanding of our whereabouts and presence all the time becomes annoying and restricting! The time between two lovers becomes ordinary, unexciting and boring. Gestures of affection are less frequent. Fights about small insignificant things and envy are frequent. Finally, when things don’t work out anymore, we sigh and say just like a Kyla song,

"I just have to let you go… when the feeling is gone." What a sad song to end!

The cycle begins as the search for "the" perfect lover begins and sadly some people just don’t grew out of it. They still believe in the deepest recesses of their lonely hearts that the "one" will come again someday to bring them happiness and it will last forever and ever just like in love stories we see in the movies or in TV and sadly many young people believe that lasting love is formed by falling in love and just remains in there.

And now you ask, "How do we then experience a love that lasts forever?" Falling out of love does not necessarily preclude a devastating and sad love story. Luckily some people don’t let go and grow with some maturity that loving a person does not mean having to feel like loving all the time. As Dr Peck continues, real loving relationship begins when the person still cares for the other even when the feeling is gone, when that person desires the other to grow, when the person sacrifices himself/herself for that person, when the person willingly submits himself/herself to be with that person no matter what the consequences are – and that includes understanding the others weaknesses and at times dealing with them. Feelings may resurrect again later but during that time it does not become the barometer if the relationship is loving or not! Things like commitment, understanding, discipline and responsibility become synonymous with love.

I would like to end this lengthy article (The longest I made so far!) about love. I hope this clears our mind and destroys the misconceptions that corrupted our minds of what a loving and lasting relationship is. Always remember that real love comes from God’s love or Jesus’ love for us and we all know that it involved so much pain and sacrifice in order for us to grow and be loving to others in return. God Bless us all!

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